Where you put your genitals

This morning the news made me wail with despair,
Because once again Christians prove that they care
Not a jot for poor or the different or strange.
They just want to lock them all up in a cage.

So I thought I’d write down what I feel in a blog,
But I know that it can be a kind of a slog
To read that I’m having a rant and a rave
About stuff that would make Jesus turn in his grave.

So down came the spirit of old Doctor Seuss
And gave me a big old kick up the caboose.
You’ll call me a liberal moaner and whiner,
But my heart was just broken by North Carolina.

In case you have missed what was done by that state,
They had an intelligent, grown-up debate:
Can two men be married, or two women wed?
(Because love really matters, as Jesus Christ said).

And to you and to me, intelligent folk,
The whole thing sounds like it is some kind of joke.
Because what a guy does with his willy or bum
Makes really no difference, when all’s said and done.

Whoever a girl wants to fondle and cuddle
Should not get your policies all in a muddle.
And who a chap wants to lie down with and kiss
Is really no reason for knickers to twist.

So yes, as you guessed it, conservative creeps
Have decided that gay people aren’t really peeps.
They can’t have the right to be in love and marry
As long as it’s in Carolina they tarry.

If you think that marriages really do matter
Then surely you’re proving you’re mad as a hatter
To say its illegal, immoral and rude
To outlaw the love tween a guy and his dude.

Your holy book teaches you how to be caring
By loving, forgiving, and property sharing.
But nowadays “Christian” seems to mean greed,
Although Lennon told us its love that we need.

Your holy book tells you that you mustn’t kill.
Respect one another, and don’t rob the till.
But you’re starving the poor, there’s a queue on death row,
And you say gays can’t love, as if you’d even know.

You don’t care for poverty, don’t care for peace,
You back crazy wars in the wild middle east.
And you don’t care for difference, the sick or the lame,
You don’t care that Jesus would think you’re insane.

Or care for the love Lennon said that we need,
Or for backs without beds, or mouths without feed.
You don’t care for science or air that we breathe,
Cos it isn’t what Fox told you you should believe.

Your closed-mind will open for any old guff,
Like invisible, mind-reading men up above,
Who magically conjured up all space and time.
And I’m sorry this ends with a rather forced rhyme…

But when it comes down to the bare fundamen-i-tals
You really just care about gay men and genitals.


Get off your knees!

I’m going to bash you, Katy Red.

I’m going to come and getcha, because for once I think I’ve got close to the moral high ground, and I feel I should boast about it.


She’s funny, Katy Red. She really is. I like her blog, but in this instance I’m a little perturbed by the underlying assumptions.

  • All women want committment, and for them dating is just a means to an end: marriage and kids
  • All men want zero committment, and begrudgingly accept marriage so they have oral sex on tap

Very few women are actual princesses, brought up on a milky diet of Mills and Boon, and feeling that their lives are empty unless they limpet themselves to “Good Man”. At least I hope not. I’d lose a lot of respect for women if I thought their sense of self was tied up in an attachment to a gormless lump like me.

There is no such thing as the Mills And Boon “Good Man”. At best, there’s a “Reasonable Man”. A little more nuanced and complex than you’d think. Sometimes good, sometimes stupid, sometimes downright obnoxious. Woman have seen us farting and snoring and dribbling kebab down our front. Picking our nose and scratching our balls. They know full well that we’re not the answer to their dreams. Not unless their dreams are of a feckless oaf who only remembers your birthday when he’s at the garage on the way home.

What self-respecting woman wants to bind her life to him? Honestly, you don’t want a life-term. You want a short-term contract with an option to extend. But that’s not a marriage, that’s just a committed relationship between two trusting adults. That’s sensible. That works.

And it’s what men want too, at least most of the men I know. Sure, we like blowjobs (although speaking purely for myself, they’re OK, but not the greatest thing we can do together). And some of us would put our cocks into a pencil sharpener if you told us it would feel good. But we’re not all like that. I know a dozen men who have been 100% committed to a partner for 10 or more years. I was too, until recently – or at least, I was as committed to her as she was to me, which I think is fair.

I know some men who have been desperate to marry. My brother, for example. He couldn’t wait to get wed, and start a family. And he did. He married his girlfriend, and they had 2 lovely kids… both of whom he gets every other weekend. Marriage didn’t stop him from falling out of love with his wife, it simply cost £20,000 for the ceremony at the beginning and £20,000 for lawyers at the end.

The truth is, we’re all apes. We have animal behaviours, even if we don’t often think of ourselves like that. All apes live in social groups and have largely monogomous relationships, which last just long enough to mate and raise their young to an age where they can take care of themselves. After that, the parents split and look for new mates. It’s the best way to diversify DNA, and is therefore best for healthy offspring. It’s what nature compels us to do.

In the case of humans, the natural length of a relationship is around 16 years. That’s enough time to have 2-3 kids and raise them to an age where they can survive alone. After that, our animal instincts tell us we’ve had enough, and need to start again.

That’s what nature intends. All this marriage codswallop is just an artifice which was largely invented to give men property rights over women.

So it’s entirely natural for women to want to find a stong, reliable man who will help to raise young. And it’s also natural for that man to want to do so. But don’t expect it to last 45 years, because that’s not nature’s way.