You are gorgeous

Everyone wishes they were more attractive.

But the truth is, you’re almost certainly gorgeous already. You’re just not comparing yourself to the right people.

I’m no great looker, and I’m never going to appear on the front of a Men’s Health magazine. I’m not the sexually magnetic front-man of a cool indie band. And I never will be.

But that’s fine, because those people are freaks.

They’re deformed.

Just as much as any twisted, tragic carnival sideshow in a Victorian fair, models are an extreme example of the chance occurrences of genetics.

We’re overwhelmed with an absolute tsunami of images of these twisted gargoyles, to the extent that we start to assume it’s normal.

The young and impressionable – especially girls – are led to believe that having normal genes is some kind of failing.

They starve themselves so they look like a genetic aberration who just happens to have zero body fat.

They cut and tweak and inflate parts of themselves to fit a body image “standard” that’s actually based on a million-to-one evolutionary mutation.

It’s tragic.

I imagine a scene in a parallel universe, where a whole generation of teenaged girls is desperately trying to look like another extreme version of humanity – the Elephant Man.

He was a freak, just as much as Angelina Jolie is. And he even got to be in a movie, which proves it.

I advise everybody to go to the high street and just look. Watch people. See how they really are. Compare yourself to those people. Not to the freakshow on our TVs.

Men have bellies. Girls like to rest their heads on bellies. Aged 14, girls probably like that noxious twat Bieber, but as they get older they want a boyfriend. A nice guy who thinks about her more than himself.

Boys like that don’t work out all day. They eat chips and laugh, and they get bellies and wrinkles.

That’s a Good Thing.

And no boy wants to spend time with a shallow, narcissistic airhead who spends 9 hours a day preening herself. And we don’t want to snuggle up with a tight-stretched bag of elbows.

Proper girls have proper curves. They’re plumptious and soft and lovely to hold. We want that. We don’t want to see your ribs.

My theory about how skinny and shapeless models are is this:

  • Gay men (predominantly) run fashion.
  • Gay men like to look at the bodies of boys, not girls.
  • So models are chosen for their lack of genuine femininity.

Is that good? I don’t think so. I like a woman to be a woman.

So have a pie. Like your face. Be yourself. You’re lovely.