There are too many breasts in the world.
I know, it’s a controversial opinion, and few men would automatically back me up. Steven Fry, perhaps, who has been public about how the sight of a pair of boobs makes him squeal and run away. But not many others.
Let me qualify it a little: there are just about the right amount of breasts in the world, but many of them are far too visible. I’d like to say it’s all women’s fault, because, frankly, I like to say everything is women’s fault. I’m not sexist, I just really get a kick out of annoying feminists. They look so hot when they’re angry.
I’m told that a woman’s breasts have a massive effect on how she feels about her sexuality, which is a pretty important part of life. It’s the equivalent of a man’s feelings about his penis, and if you fellas are anything like me (and you definitely are, because all men are essentially the same), you’ll have a lot of self-esteem tied up in your trouser-pouch.
Imagine opening the Guardian every morning and seeing a young, attractive man sporting a thick, hard, lightly oiled, glistening 11 inch erection, with a caption proclaiming his opinions about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Imagine if you became persuaded that this so-called perfect body was not only “the norm”, but that it’s the only thing women wanted.
Granted, it’s unlikely that The Guardian would publish it. It’s more of an Independent kinda thing, embodying sheer bloody-mindedness and a distinct desperation for sales. But you get my point: a constant bombardment of images of an imagined perfection is very damaging to your self-esteem.
I happen to think the effect of porn on men is quite similar. All men see is images of perfect women and men with hilariously deformed genitals – because that’s what a pornstar penis is, in reality. It’s a grotesque, malformed, mutated version of what we all have. It’s the equivalent of finding somebody with a 9 foot long leg, but the fact that we’re sold this illusion that it’s [a] normal and [b] the apogee of pleasure for all women is very damaging. The truth is, most women would find it very uncomfortable to be vigorously shafted by a truly massive cock, and many porn actresses have to undergo reconstructive surgery on a regular basis.
But overexposure to porn has made men desperately unhappy with their perfectly natural, perfectly normal 5.5 to 6.5 inch penis. It’s making a generation of men feel sexually inadequate, and that leads to all manner of dysfunctions.
But those images aren’t being delivered to our family doorstep every day: you have to Google them in secret. Unlike Page 3, which is broadly accepted by millions of people, and delivered daily in an uncensored, supposedly-family-friendly newspaper. You can be exposed to these images from the moment you pop out of your mum, and by the time you’re 15 you’re likely to have 4,600 photos of topless women plonked onto the breakfast table. Worse than that: many times these women are barely of legal age, and the Soaraway Sun even does countdowns to their youngest models’ 16th birthdays (whilst running heartfelt campaigns about paedophilia on Page 1).
It endlessly demeans women, and undermines their self-confidence. I don’t think even smart, self-aware women are totally immune to the pernicious influence of this sort of image, because it’s relentless. Even if it’s not making you feel demeaned, it’s making you feel angry.
But it also damages men, because it gives a false impression of the value of women, and I actually think women are incredibly valuable. Ignoring women’s brains, values, opinions and imaginations is a sure way to diminish your life. You’re cutting yourself off from half of what life is about, and all so you can look at some norks over your porridge.
And that’s why I’m saying No More Page 3.