Put ’em away, love

There are too many breasts in the world.

I know, it’s a controversial opinion, and few men would automatically back me up. Steven Fry, perhaps, who has been public about how the sight of a pair of boobs makes him squeal and run away. But not many others.

Let me qualify it a little: there are just about the right amount of breasts in the world, but many of them are far too visible. I’d like to say it’s all women’s fault, because, frankly, I like to say everything is women’s fault. I’m not sexist, I just really get a kick out of annoying feminists. They look so hot when they’re angry.

I’m told that a woman’s breasts have a massive effect on how she feels about her sexuality, which is a pretty important part of life. It’s the equivalent of a man’s feelings about his penis, and if you fellas are anything like me (and you definitely are, because all men are essentially the same), you’ll have a lot of self-esteem tied up in your trouser-pouch.

Imagine opening the Guardian every morning and seeing a young, attractive man sporting  a thick, hard, lightly oiled, glistening 11 inch erection, with a caption proclaiming his opinions about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Imagine if you became persuaded that this so-called perfect body was not only “the norm”, but that it’s the only thing women wanted.

Granted, it’s unlikely that The Guardian would publish it. It’s more of an Independent kinda thing, embodying sheer bloody-mindedness and a distinct desperation for sales. But you get my point: a constant bombardment of images of an imagined perfection is very damaging to your self-esteem.

I happen to think the effect of porn on men is quite similar. All men see is images of perfect women and men with hilariously deformed genitals – because that’s what a pornstar penis is, in reality. It’s a grotesque, malformed, mutated version of what we all have. It’s the equivalent of finding somebody with a 9 foot long leg, but the fact that we’re sold this illusion that it’s [a] normal and [b] the apogee of pleasure for all women is very damaging. The truth is, most women would find it very uncomfortable to be vigorously shafted by a truly massive cock, and many porn actresses have to undergo reconstructive surgery on a regular basis.

But overexposure to porn has made men desperately unhappy with their perfectly natural, perfectly normal 5.5 to 6.5 inch penis. It’s making a generation of men feel sexually inadequate, and that leads to all manner of dysfunctions.

But those images aren’t being delivered to our family doorstep every day: you have to Google them in secret. Unlike Page 3, which is broadly accepted by millions of people, and delivered daily in an uncensored, supposedly-family-friendly newspaper. You can be exposed to these images from the moment you pop out of your mum, and by the time you’re 15 you’re likely to have 4,600 photos of topless women plonked onto the breakfast table. Worse than that: many times these women are barely of legal age, and the Soaraway Sun even does countdowns to their youngest models’ 16th birthdays (whilst running heartfelt campaigns about paedophilia on Page 1).

It endlessly demeans women, and undermines their self-confidence. I don’t think even smart, self-aware women are totally immune to the pernicious influence of this sort of image, because it’s relentless. Even if it’s not making you feel demeaned, it’s making you feel angry.

But it also damages men, because it gives a false impression of the value of women, and I actually think women are incredibly valuable. Ignoring women’s brains, values, opinions and imaginations is a sure way to diminish your life. You’re cutting yourself off from half of what life is about, and all so you can look at some norks over your porridge.

And that’s why I’m saying No More Page 3.


29 thoughts on “Put ’em away, love

  1. I’m the first to like this post, and that makes me feel all special.
    The only possible flaw I can find in your logic (for I am the semi-official logic tester ’round these parts) is it presumes that the men who consume these images of pornulated women even care about how women feel. Some of them might care, quite a few don’t – or try to invalidate the arguments women make against page 3 so that they can justify continuing to consume these images.
    Possibly some of them will listen to you since you are a dude, but even that is a testimony to just how chronically invalidated women are in this society, if they dare to express any opinions contrary to the status quo.

    1. Some people are just beyond help. Lets hope the editor of The Sun isn’t one of them.

      I hope less exposure to sexist crap will diminish the amount of sexist crap that’s deemed acceptable

  2. Thank you, thank you. I think it’s such a relief that you can understand the physcological effect of Page 3 . Ridiculous as it seems, seeing some bloke getting an eyeful of Page 3 on the tube on the way into work can affect my day. Why do I feel exposed when it’s not me on that page? Why do I feel humiliated and worthless? Can’t figure it out, but I always do.

    1. What the naked mole rat said.

      We feel worthless, because even if we don’t make a conscious connection between the pornulated woman and ourselves, our subconscious is following the script of objectification: Being Decorative Buckets for Dudely Incontinence is what women are for! All women! Are YOU a sufficiently decorative incontinence-bucket? The answer is no, because no woman is ever really good enough to deserve human treatment. Even the “good enough to be a magazine” ones are treated like crap.

      This is a very unpleasant situation, but 100% curable by worldwide feminist revolt.

  3. Hey! I’ve spend the better part of a decade being vigorously shafted by a truly massive cock on a near-daily basis. It’s fantastic, and my perfectly average lady-parts aren’t any worse for wear.

    That aside, fantastic post and it was an interesting read. Thanks!

      1. Not very, but I am twice her size, weight and age, and a former boxer/rugby captain. I don’t think her playfully smacking me counts as domestic violence.

  4. Thanks for this post. I can’t believe that not only does the sun paper continue to print pictures that objectify women. But that as a nation, indeed world, we’ve accepted this as ok for so long. Makes me so sad. I’m 33 and only just beginning to learn to love myself and my body, and i’m sure that part of the issue has been the collective unconscious of living in a society that.thinks it’s ok to use women to sell stuff. And only the ‘perfect’ women. It doesn’t represent all the colours and true beauty that a woman in all her different shapes and sizes has to offer.

  5. Excellent article, our family have experienced the effects of objectification of women first hand, can’t go into detail, but surely we need our younger generations to start a new way of thinking, because I believe these images lead young men to believe that girls are objects and this has an immensely detrimental effect on our young, we have so much work to do, as my family knows from a recent traumatic life changing experience!!!!

  6. “a constant bombardment of images of an imagined perfection is very damaging to your self-esteem”

    Quite so….We men also experience this distressing media abuse, with the same painful damaging consequences. There is a constant female assault directed at our self-esteem through our work, our mismatch with the James Bond meets Mills & Boon stereotype (and now 50 shades), our emotional expressiveness and above all our work and income.

    Yes it is sad that women feel judged for their breasts alone etc etc, but come the crunch the women are just as bad in the other direction.

    In the end humans are animals and sex is about ‘breedability’ if you like, so female youth\beauty = fertility and 50 shades + Mills Boon masculinity = good provider.

    1. I accept some of that argument, but its a totally patriarchal world. Men hold all the power – lead all the governments, own all the media, dominate all the businesses, and control most of the money.

      As a result, I don’t mind a bit of “objectification”, towards men, because women have our boot on their neck from the day they’re born. We deserve a bit of shit from them.

      But dominating, abusing, oppressing AND objectifying women is just unfair. Are we men, or are we just bullies?

      1. No it is not a totally patriarchal world. Women mostly get custody of the kids and the house if there is one….

        ‘The hand rocks the cradle rules the world’ and that hand is mostly female.

        Neither I, or any of my male friends, have boots on anyone’s neck, and neither do we ‘deserve shit’.

        I completely agree that “dominating, abusing, oppressing AND objectifying women is just unfair” and that the Feminist domination, abuse, oppression AND objectification of men is unfair also.

      2. I agree custody is unfair, and that patriarchy doesn’t apply to the entire world.


        – 91% of global wealth and property is controlled by men
        – 98% of media is owned/controlled by men
        – 84% of UK judiciary is male
        – 92% of the cabinet is male
        – 85% of FTSI 100 company directors are male


        – 88% of the lowest paid 50% of jobs are done by women
        – 97% of domestic abuse victims are women

        It’s not all one-way. Women have (and can use) sexual power, and often (not always) control households. But they also do most of the chores and most of the child-rearing.

      3. Quite.

        I don’t dispute your figures.

        But they are macro economic figures only. Economic power is only one form of power – there is also psychological and sexual power. The problem with feminism is that it focuses ONLY on economic power. The fact that most of the high earners are male, as you point out, does not mean that all men are powerful. Far from it. Historically, men had higher incomes because they were, and often still are, expected to pay FOR their wives and her family.

      4. Yep, I agree.

        But a good way to change the world is to make old ways of thinking unacceptable. Like Page 3. We’re unlikely to reduce sexual inequality in EITHER direction if we perpetuate these ghastly old canards.

  7. Whoops, made a mistake, actually I Do challenge one figure, the 97% domestic violence one – what is your source ? I think you may find the Home Office and police figures are much more like 50-50. Perhaps its only 97% of REPORTED violence ?

    1. Yes, reported violence. I admin, my better half beats me regularly – but I deserve it for being such a terrible sexist pig.

  8. Hello, I agree with you about page 3.

    I understand that on the average board of directors, 8 out of 10 are men. However, in my local park there is a bunch of drunken tramps, and nine out of ten of them are men. Surely, if your economic models are correct, they should be women? I don’t understand. Please explain, oh great one.
    Right, as a man, I’m now off for a fly in my private helicopter. When I get down a bunch of female-type objects will massage me with aromatic oils. It is a great life being a man in a patriarchal society!

  9. Meh, I’m a woooooo-man (insert finger snapping) and I was taught that it’s more important to be judged on what’s inside than out because looks fade. So while I’d rather not get an eyeful of Miss Page 3, I exercise my right not to buy it to voice that opinion. As long as men have eyes to look, women will be paid to take their clothes off and while I do my damnest not to compare myself to their airbrushed and faked images, I try to take it on the chin because of my sparkling wit and repartee means I don’t have to take my clothes off to make a quid. Winner, right? Right.

  10. Just to play a bit of the devil’s advocate for fun, I’m an ex-Crazy Horse dancer and I objectified myself on stage every night (few years down the road) for the pleasure and entertainment of men and women alike, I have 2 Master degrees in science and I never felt like placing my naked booty out there could be a threat to the rise of women. (we are rising no matter what…)
    What if we’d stop for a sec looking at these beautiful girls through the patriarchal lens but through the matriarchal one? … what about if we’d (women) stop being so predictable…

    1. Women ARE rising no matter what, but I still object to them being portrayed as objects, and I still find it abhorrent that topless women appear on page 3 of the UK’s most popular newspaper every day. You wouldn’t expect that in a TV news programme.

      It devalues women and has nothing to do with news. It also has a undoubted influence on children who see it, and I doubt there’s anybody who can successfully argue that the I fluency it has is positive – for the children or for women in general.

      I’m not anti-porn (that would be hypocritical) or against people working in clubs like Crazy Horse: if that’s what you want to do, it’s fine with me – in fact, e Salut. But it shouldn’t be the primary way women are represented, and it shouldn’t be part of our national press.

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