Searching for gibberish

You aren’t who you think you are. You’re somebody else.

It doesn’t matter how certain you are of your identity, if you ask Google you’ll discover you’re actually somebody else entirely. For example, I was fairly sure I was me until recently, but it turns out I’m actually a violent, gold-toothed, crack-addicted, black rapper known to his friends as Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Oh, and I’m dead. Bummer!

Perhaps I really am that dead rapper, but I think it’s more likely that Google is mistaken, and I’m still me, and as likely to rap as Prince Phillip is. All of which proves Google can’t be trusted: just look at the ways it’s directed people to these pages.

WordPress shows me statistics about this blog, which is why I know I sometimes get as many as 7 people reading this tender outpouring of my aching soul. It rises to 9 if I mention sex, but I’m not prepared to whore myself for you, you dirty-minded bunch of scoundrels.

(No, it’s fine, don’t feel any pressure to retweet or like me on Facebook, I’ll survive on those few paltry views).

I digress! Amongst the WordPress statistics is a list of the search terms used to find my blog. It’s sobering reading…

fully naked simon cowell
There’s no need for that. Stop. Just… stop. I briefly wondered what sort of mental frailty would make a person want to see a fully naked Cowell. And why the inclusion of the word “fully”? Had they previouly searched for plain old “naked Simon Cowell”, and been disappointed to find he was wearing a glove? And then I saw that 19 identially mental people had found my blog with this search, which qualifies as a spree, or maybe an outbreak. I don’t want to encourage genocide, but if anyone has a vial of Smallpox, now would be a perfect time…

Craig the dirty naked molerat
All of those words are perfectly valid, but when you put them into that order it takes some explaining. It’s just so specific. Not just any dirty naked molerat: it has to be Craig. He’s the best of the many, many dirty naked molerats in the world.

mole thrashing behaviour
Is this a request for information about the most appropriate behaviour when one is going on a mole-thrashing expedition? Or is it that there are thrash-metal moles listening to Anthrax in some poor bugger’s back garden, and he wants to know how to curtail this behaviour? And, more importantly, what results did this person actually find? Because when you search for “mole thashing behaviour” the only matching results are a tweet from me about it. He must have been so disappointed.

huge hard morning wood throbbing photo
I can understand wanting to see photos of huge throbbing body parts, but why does it have to be taken in the morning? Is the person behind this search really disinterested by erections that happen after midday? I demand answers.

Mick Hucknall naked
These words, in this exact combination, make an excellent emetic. No more slipping fingers down your throat and groping for your sick-trigger on those ghastly, hung-over mornings: just repeat “Mick Hucknall naked” twice, and you’re sure to vomit lavishly all over the cat. But be careful: say it three times and he appears in person, like a ginger, plastic-soul Beetlejuice, and you have to beat him to death with hammers.

women’s tits
Not men’s tits. Careful! What we’re looking for here is specifically women’s tits. If you’re after men’s tits, please allow me to refer you to the search for a naked Simon Cowell.


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